So I was 15 years old and I got a job at the local DairyQueen on Riverside Drive. It didn't take long to realize that the owner, Mr. Sweeny, was a screaming rager. Thing is, his old woman thought he had quit the sauce but he was still drinking...at work! He had cases and cases of Vodka just piled up in the unlocked store room right next to the M&M's and Oreos. Blizzards had JUST come on to the scene, fuck I'm old. Anyway, this mother-fucker would get so plowed at work, that he'd eventually leave early or go out and sleep in his car.What did all of this mean to us? Free booze and a place to party with all our friends. The night 'supervisor' was all into getting fucked up and sucking our dicks too. She was sooooo cute and she was a ballet dancer too. Watch out for dancer girls as they are always nuts in the end, though. So We'd lock up the place and invite our friends and make vodka blizzards. We'd ruin cases of whipped cream canisters to get fucked up on Nitrous Oxide and We'd use the "Mister Misty' slush spouts to do gravity bongs. This was by far the greatest first job I've ever had. Sadly, all great things must one day end and I'll never forget my last day at the Queen. That little 15 year old night manager I was telling you about, the one with the cute 15 year old cocksucking lips? Well, she got real cunty one night to the point that me and my friend Brett were like, "Hey, really if you don't stop acting like this, we are gonna leave...really!" Well, she kept it up and we walked out the back and into the front door and into line to get Blizzards as paying customers. Needless to say, little Tammy (was that out loud?) wasn't about to serve us one fucking nugget from a crunchcone. Later that day I called AS Mr. Sweeney and told Tammy to put "FREE BURGERS TODAY" on the outdoor sign. I could do his voice perfectly and it was his son Brian's B-day. Perfect excuse to have free hamburgers. When we came back tons of cars were literally screaching into the lot. We, of course, got into the drive-through line and dearest Tammy(was that out loud?) had no choice but to watch the drive through boy hand hot eats and cool treats through the window of our Plymouth Reliant K car. Ah! Sweet success! After a string of hirings and firings my parents finally made me get a full-time real job in a pickle factory in the summer after highs chool. It didn't last long because apparently I was not aloud to punch in, leave for the whole day, and then return at 5pm to punch out. I did this for two and a half weeks though. Felt just like free money except I still had to get up early. Needless to say, I was kicked out of the folks place for good. Trouble was, I had no place togo...or did I?I remembered this kid Ray who was a couple years older than i was and he'd taken a real interest in my interest in drinking at some parties during high school. I remembered that he and another guy had their own place over by the Fox River. Well, I found his number and was informed that there was indeed an opening at the residence. I was in! It couldn't have been more than a day and a half of being in there and I was standing in the kitchen taking cereal bowls out of boxes. I heard this rap ,rap, rap ,rap, rap at the side door and open it. There is this really bad ass Mexican dude standing there with "Chicano" tatooed on his chest. He looks in and says, " Ay Mang, Eez My Birthday Mang, Let's go drink sum Cervesa!" I'm thinking, "Where thefuck am I?" I knew it was a pretty seedy side of town but I just got there, ya know? Ray runs in and tells him that we are too young to drink and the Mexican says, "Shut up an' get een my car". We spent the next four hours drinking Corona's at all mexican bars on the really fucked up near West side of Green Bay. I had been there a fucking day and the person who would buy all our booze for us that summer just walked up like divine intervention.So we made our living that summer by throwing enormous keg parties and let me tell you, they were nothing short of legendary. You find out kind of quick that if you do it every weekend, the entire town's gonna find out. We had biker gangs drinking next to daughters of prominent,local politicians. We had kids from the half way house sneaking out after curfew to get wasted with us. We had fifteen and sixteen year-old impressionable girls who thought it was "Soooo Cooool' that we had our own place. Drugs were everywhere and there was hardly a night that we didn't get laid. Somewhere in the middle of all this,Ray discovered that his car would only turn left. We literally had to plot our way around town for the rest of summer in a car that didn't turn right! One night Ray and I went to a bar in a Green Bay suburb known for serving minors. We drank pitcher after pitcher of Bud Light(Fuck you,I was Eighteen!) and shots of Jagermeister, which I still love. Anyway,our ride was leaving and we had just ordered a fresh pitcher of beer so we decided that W'ed stay around and find a ride. Well, we did not find a ride,had spent all our money on booze and resigned ourselves to the six mile walk home. A little ways along that walk we spotted a Citgo gas station and decided to stop for snacks. Man we were so drunk we were throwing hot dogs at each other and opening up bags of chips and laughing. The chick that was working was on the phone in a back room and peeked in at us and seemed somewhat uninterested. We walked up to the counter with Bologna,cheese, chips and soda. We waited and waited and the chick kept talking on the phone. I grabbed a Citgo baseball hat and we ran out. We tore through the back yards as fast as we could all the while stuffing Bologna in our faces. So, an hour or so later, we get all the way to the next suburb, Allouez, and a cop pulls up and asks if We had been at the De Pere Citgo. We were like,'No sir, we were just having a walk' and then he spotted the Citgo hat on my drunk head. Into the car we were thrown to head back to the gas station for face verification. While I was in the back seat I remembered that I had the stolen hat on my head. Well, Ray was so busy annoying the cop that i was able to throw it out the window without him even knowing. When we arrived the cop asked where my hat was and Idenied ever having one despite the clear "hat head" I had imprinted in my hair. So he walks us in grasping both our arms and says to the chick, "these are the guys, right?" Then something extraordinary happened. I locked eyes with the girl behind the counter and produced a look that in one instant turned her inside out...I can do that. She looks at Ray and then back at me and then to the cop and says, "No sir, wrong guys." The cop was so pissed bacause he knew full well she let us off the hook. The best part of all was informing this dumb pig that under the law, he had to return us to where he picked us up. No,the VERY best part was on that drive back and right in the middle of an intersection, as we were stopped at a red light, was the bright red Citgo hat I had tossed out the window. Needless to say, he was not happy when I asked if I could get out of the car and grab it.
It is absolutely imperitive that every serious drinker take at least one pilgrimage to Wisconsin during their lives. Our drunken sweet Lord does not take kindly to the dis'ing of his holy land. If a trip to Wisconsin is not possible because of financial reasons or a disability, fuck you! Set some priorities for God's sake.
